apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
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