three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
