dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Randomize
