I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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