I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
