I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
birth control should be required to get into college
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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