I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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