so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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