Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
