This is not my ceiling
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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