I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Two words: blizzard sex
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
