On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
