not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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