my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
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