my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
