I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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