Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
