my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Randomize
