I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
