Richard, I just read on your Twitter account that you have enjoyed a, "Much needed post birthday smoothie..."...A bit revealing, no?
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Randomize
