I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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