new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
