Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
