Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
