As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
