drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
