Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I forgot how hot balto sounded
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
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