just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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