what day is it and did you see me today?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
