You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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