last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Randomize
