Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
