So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
