Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
