If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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