every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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