dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
dude your alot more fun to hang out around now that your addicted to coke...but seriously you need to stop
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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