So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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