i'm signing you up for texting rehab
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
