if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
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