So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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