i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
