I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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