I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
