Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
