Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
