yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
