Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
