i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
