I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
