I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
